MEET TRUMP: REPORTER: Iran threatened U.S. tech companies. TRUMP: With what? What the hell did they threaten them with? Slingshots? Love notes? They’ve got nothing left, absolutely nothing to threaten anybody with JOURNALIST: My question for you is... TRUMP: No, no, wait. You made a statement like it was serious. What did they threaten them with? Tell me. Enlighten me. What was the threat? JOURNALIST: All I know is that they threatened them, sir. TRUMP: “All I know is that they threatened them”? Is that journalism now? Repeating gossip without knowing what you’re talking about? What does that even mean exactly? Did they send them an angry emoji on WhatsApp? JOURNALIST: Alright... TRUMP: Did they say something “unpleasant”? Did they write “I hate you” on a napkin? You don’t even know what the threat was! You know what they’re not gonna do? They’re not gonna attack anybody with a nuclear weapon! Because they can’t even afford to buy a toy missile. They don’t even know what they’re talking about! Pathetic.

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Setting: Inside a dark, echoing bathroom plumbing line, right before a major flushing event.Urine: (Splashing aggressively against the ceramic walls) Look at you, slacking off as usual! I’m in and out of here six times a day, keeping this body filtered and clean. You show up once—maybe twice if the human had a fiber bar—and expect a standing ovation. You're slow, you're heavy, and you take forever to get ready!Poop: (Thudding heavily into the water, sending up a massive splash) Slow? It’s called craftsmanship, you watery amateur! You’re just 95% water and a little bit of leftover urea. You require zero effort. I am the grand finale of a 24-hour digestive masterpiece! I represent the steak, the potatoes, the complex carbohydrates! I have structure. I have presence.Urine: Presence? You mean odor! You completely ruin the atmosphere the second you walk into the room. People have to light matches and turn on exhaust fans just to survive your presence. When I arrive, it’s a quick, polite zip and a wash of the hands. I am civilized.Poop: Oh, don't act so pure. You turn bright neon yellow if the human takes a single multivitamin! And let's talk about urgency—you make the human panic and run like a maniac just because a movie ran over two hours. I have discipline. I give a polite, rumbling warning hours in advance.Urine: (Steaming slightly) I am the frontline defense of the kidneys! Without me, the system shuts down from toxic buildup in days. You're just the stuff the body couldn't even use. You're literally the leftovers!Poop: Leftovers? I am the ultimate metric of gut health! Doctors study my shape, my color, and my consistency on a chart like it's fine art. No one is out here making a "Bristol Stool Chart" for your boring splash patterns.The Toilet Handle: (CLANK)Urine: (Swirling rapidly in circles) Uh oh. Here comes the swirl!Poop: (Sinking into the vortex) See you in the septic tank, water-boy!