A despot can not rule his people by killing them, violence works, not death. So what they must do is lab work. We need to understand how they got this violent.

America likes snow and we really like ice, which is why we must have Greenland.

I basically am a bunch of ham that keeps getting shoved between two slices of bread and shoved into the freezer. I am that sandwich you treasure, but refuse to eat, because my sandwich needs to be iced and used when starvation hits. When all the soup in the world won't do the trick.

Europe may offer trump wind, and that is nice of them.

He ate a grapefruit and began crying. It always begins this way and it ends with the oranges.

Liberals are trying to prove that Iranians are actually Palestinians (right now) to give them victim status.

Imagine Trump fixing your house up and cleaning up your street, fixing the lights and adding some gold here and there. Now wouldn't that be nice?

So when the aliens came they saw geeks like never before, all demanded selfies, all were demanding selfish brats. So the aliens packed their bags and went home to their planet.

Make Greenland America hats secretly being shown as the penguins go marching in!

Setting: Inside a dark, echoing bathroom plumbing line, right before a major flushing event.Urine: (Splashing aggressively against the ceramic walls) Look at you, slacking off as usual! I’m in and out of here six times a day, keeping this body filtered and clean. You show up once—maybe twice if the human had a fiber bar—and expect a standing ovation. You're slow, you're heavy, and you take forever to get ready!Poop: (Thudding heavily into the water, sending up a massive splash) Slow? It’s called craftsmanship, you watery amateur! You’re just 95% water and a little bit of leftover urea. You require zero effort. I am the grand finale of a 24-hour digestive masterpiece! I represent the steak, the potatoes, the complex carbohydrates! I have structure. I have presence.Urine: Presence? You mean odor! You completely ruin the atmosphere the second you walk into the room. People have to light matches and turn on exhaust fans just to survive your presence. When I arrive, it’s a quick, polite zip and a wash of the hands. I am civilized.Poop: Oh, don't act so pure. You turn bright neon yellow if the human takes a single multivitamin! And let's talk about urgency—you make the human panic and run like a maniac just because a movie ran over two hours. I have discipline. I give a polite, rumbling warning hours in advance.Urine: (Steaming slightly) I am the frontline defense of the kidneys! Without me, the system shuts down from toxic buildup in days. You're just the stuff the body couldn't even use. You're literally the leftovers!Poop: Leftovers? I am the ultimate metric of gut health! Doctors study my shape, my color, and my consistency on a chart like it's fine art. No one is out here making a "Bristol Stool Chart" for your boring splash patterns.The Toilet Handle: (CLANK)Urine: (Swirling rapidly in circles) Uh oh. Here comes the swirl!Poop: (Sinking into the vortex) See you in the septic tank, water-boy!