Yahoo Finance Yahoo Finance Search query Search for news, symbols or companies News Finance Sports More Mail Sign in My Portfolio News Markets Research Personal Finance Videos Streaming Now Upgrade to Premium Fortune Apple, Coca-Cola, IBM, Berkshire Hathaway: These companies are facing a DEI shareholder showdown in 2025 Shareholder proposals that would have once been unremarkable are now a closely watched battlefront in the war against corporate diversity and inclusion initiatives. · Fortune · Richard Drury—Getty Images Lila MacLellan Mon, February 10, 2025 at 1:00 AM PST 8 min read 3 In This Article: StockStory Top Pick COST +1.10% IBM +1.32% KO +1.15% When Costco asked investors to vote against an anti-DEI shareholder proposal at the company’s recent annual meeting last month—and won their support—it should have been a nonevent. Such an exchange is typical in the corporate world: A small group of investors buy a tiny stake in a company and use that platform to call for a specific change, like pushing it to adopt better climate change policies or take succession planning more seriously. Their proposal then goes to a vote among all shareholders at the company’s annual meeting. Boards usually urge everyone to reject the ideas for the simple reason that companies don’t like to be told how to run their businesses. Over the past few years, anti-DEI resolutions like the one Costco faced have become increasingly common, but their support rates are usually in the low single digits. In any other year, Costco’s vote would have garnered little to no attention. But this year, Costco’s stance became a noteworthy symbol of resistance. As President Donald Trump issues executive orders to end DEI, and one company after another rolls back their DEI initiatives, a fresh crop of shareholder proposals that would have once been unremarkable are now a closely watched battlefront in the war against corporate diversity and inclusion initiatives. To be sure, the results of proxy votes are nonbinding, making the exercise somewhat symbolic. But companies will find it hard to ignore a proposal that’s popular with investors. It’s also worth noting that several companies that have received resolutions have moved to have the proposals excluded from their 2025 shareholder votes, which requires approval from the Securities and Exchange Commission. Here’s a look at anti-DEI shareholder proposals set to be presented this year. Fortune reached out to all of the companies on this list and will update the story with any relevant responses. American Express Meeting date: April 17, 2025 The National Legal and Policy Center (NLPC), a conservative activist think tank, is requesting that the financial company remove DEI considerations from its executive pay formulas. American Express has moved to have the proposal excluded from its meeting. "The shareholder proposal challenges a metric that is no longer being used in the company's scorecard," according to a company spokesperson. Apple Meeting date: Feb. 25, 2025 Apple has asked its shareholders to reject a proposal from the National Center for Public Policy Research (NCPPR), a conservative advocacy group, asking that the tech company cease all DEI-related activities, including dropping its diverse supplier programs. Apple’s response to the proposal centered on the company’s preference for not being micromanaged. In its proxy statement, the company wrote: “We strive to create a culture of belonging where everyone can do their best work.” Berkshire Hathaway Meeting date: May 3, 2025 Berkshire Hathaway has asked the SEC to exclude a proposal from the NCPPR asking the company to perform a legal audit of its race-based initiatives. Its letter to the SEC cited studies on the benefits of diversity, and included a quote from Warren Buffett speaking at Berkshire’s 2023 annual meeting: “If [I] had been born Black, a woman, or in a different country, [I] wouldn’t nearly [have] enjoyed the same type of life [I] have].” Bristol Myers Squibb Meeting date: TBA A shareholder proposal submitted by the NCPPR requests that the company consider abolishing its DEI program, policies, department, and goals. The drugmaker wants to omit the proposal, calling it “vague and open to interpretation.” Coca-Cola Meeting date: May 1, 2025 Coca-Cola hopes to block a proposal on executive pay and DEI hiring goals, submitted by the NLPC, from its general meeting. In a letter filed with the SEC, the company states: “The Coca-Cola Company maintains ‘employee representation goals’ designed to achieve diversity so the company ‘mirror[s] the markets we serve.’ The company expects ‘by 2030, our employee population across all job levels will align with U.S. Census data by race/ethnicity: Black: 13%; Hispanic: 18%; Asian: 6%.’” Deere and Co. Meeting date: Feb. 25, 2025 Deere scaled back DEI last July, following an online campaign by conservative influencer Robby Starbuck. However, the NLPC had also submitted a shareholder proposal asking Deere to produce a report on its racial and gender hiring statistics. The NLPC argues that emphasizing diversity in hiring leaves companies open to legal challenges from employees, and that white employees may feel that they are the victims of discrimination. In its 2025 proxy statement, the company urges shareholders to vote against the resolution “because Deere is committed to treating our employees, who propel us toward achieving our business ambitions, fairly and inclusively.” Deere also states that it already provides investors with comprehensive hiring data. General Motors Meeting date: June 4, 2025 The NLPC is calling on the automaker to drop the practice of attaching DEI goals to executive pay. In a letter to the SEC, GM said the company had already substantially implemented the proposal. Goldman Sachs Meeting date: April 24, 2025 The NLPC has submitted shareholder proposals over diversity aspirations and executive pay incentives, including the compensation of CEO David Solomon. A spokesperson for Goldman recently told Fortune: “We strongly believe that organizations benefit from diverse perspectives, and Goldman Sachs is committed to operating our programs and policies in compliance with the law.” IBM Meeting date: TBA In partnership with an IBM shareholder, the Heritage Foundation, a powerful conservative think tank, has asked the company to drop pay incentives for executives tied to DEI targets. IBM has moved to block the proposal on the grounds that it falsely depicts the company’s practices. JPMorgan Chase Meeting date: May 19, 2025 The NLPC and the NCPPR are targeting the bank for DEI incentives in executive pay and its general DEI programs, respectively, claiming the practices leave the bank open to reputational and legal risks. The company has moved to have the proposals blocked since, among other reasons, they pertain to the company’s ordinary manner of doing business. (The SEC generally allows companies to exclude resolutions about a company’s ordinary operations.) The bank also said the executive pay shareholder proposal does not accurately represent the company’s practices. CEO Jamie Dimon has been vocal about the bank’s resistance to anti-DEI groups. “We’re going to continue to reach out to the Black community, the Hispanic community, the LGBT community, the veterans community,” he said at the World Economic Forum meeting in Davos this year. A spokesperson for JPMorgan declined to comment on the anti-DEI proposals and directed Fortune to the bank’s philosophy around diversity as outlined by Dimon’s most recent annual letter to shareholders. Levi’s Meeting date: TBA The NCPPR is asking Levi’s investors to vote in favor of its request that the company “consider abolishing its DEI program, policies, department, and goals.” Levi Strauss & Co. has moved to have the proposal left off its proxy, saying that, among other reasons, it makes false claims. The decision from the SEC is still pending. Levi’s CEO Michelle Gass recently told Women’s Wear Daily, “We’ve been committed to diversity and inclusion for literally decades, and it’s the core to who we are. So our commitment remains unchanged. We will do what’s right for our people, for our business. And at the end of the day, building a diverse and inclusive workplace helps us deliver stronger results.” Mastercard Meeting date: June 18, 2025 The NLPC says it has submitted a proposal to the credit card company over executive pay and DEI goals. The proposal, seen by Fortune, asks “the board of directors’ Human Resources and Compensation Committee to consider eliminating discriminatory DEI and ESG goals from compensation inducements.” Mastercard did not respond to a request for comment, but the company touts the value of inclusion on its website. McDonald’s Meeting date: TBA McDonald’s recently scaled back some of its DEI programs after facing online activism from Robby Starbuck. The NLPC has also submitted a shareholder proposal over executive pay at the company and its connection to diversity targets. But the company hopes to keep the issue from reaching its annual meeting, telling the SEC that it has already implemented many of the requested changes. Merck Meeting date: TBA The NLPC submitted a proposal over Merck tying DEI goals to executive pay. The company hopes to omit the proposal from its annual meeting both because the pharmaceutical company has implemented many of the suggested changes, and because the proposal relates to the company’s ordinary operations. Mondelez Meeting date: TBA The NLPC wants investors in the food and beverage company to support its call for a corporate financial sustainability report outlining Mondelez’s “association and support for controversial issues” such as LGBTQ+ rights. The conservative think tank claims the company lost money when it partnered with PFLAG to produce Pride-themed Oreo cookies. Mondelez has moved to have the proposal excluded from the company’s proxy statement, arguing that it resembles a proposal submitted in 2024 that did not receive enough support to be resubmitted. PepsiCo Meeting date: TBA The NLPC has called on PepsiCo to “revisit its incentive guidelines for executive pay, to consider eliminating discriminatory DEI goals from compensation inducements, to reduce risk exposure.” Pepsi did not respond to a request for comment. The company’s commitments to diversity and racial equality are described on its website, and in its most recent DEI report. This story was originally featured on Fortune.com
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There could be a person in a familiar photo that is new or someone missing That is a chilling, classic trope, and executed well, it completely turns the protagonist's world upside down. It shifts the threat from subtle environmental tweaks (like blue cars or street signs) directly into the deeply personal realm of human connection and memory. Having people appear or disappear in familiar photographs creates two very different kinds of psychological terror for your main character: 1. The "Extra" Person (The Insertion) The protagonist opens an old photo album—perhaps a snapshot from a quiet trip years ago, a gathering on a familiar street, or a candid moment at home—and there is an unfamiliar face standing in the frame. The Horror of Familiarity: Everyone else in the photo is interacting with this person naturally. They are smiling together, arms wrapped around shoulders, acting as if this stranger has been a beloved family friend, classmate, or neighbor for decades. The Gaslighting of Reality: When the character asks a friend or relative, "Who is that standing next to us in this picture from 2012?" the person looks at them with genuine concern or confusion: "What do you mean? That's Marcus. He lived down the block for five years. Don't you remember him?" The protagonist is forced to play along or risk being treated as if they've lost their mind. 2. The Missing Person (The Erasure) This is perhaps even more tragic: a key person from the protagonist's life simply ceases to exist in the photo archive. Empty Space: A group photo on a porch or in front of a landmark now has an unnatural gap where someone used to stand. The remaining people in the shot are leaning slightly toward an empty space, hugging the air, or looking toward someone who is no longer rendered in the image. Erased History: The character looks through a stack of old prints searching for an old friend, a mentor, or a travel companion, only to realize that every single photo of them is gone—or worse, the photo exists, but the friend was replaced by someone else entirely. When the protagonist brings up that person's name, nobody recognizes it. The world has re-stitched its history so smoothly that the erased person left zero wake in anyone else's memory. 3. The Clue in the Details To make this work brilliantly in prose, the protagonist might start noticing anomalies in the composition: The lighting on the "new" person doesn't quite match the ambient shadows of the rest of the photograph. A missing person leaves behind a ghost shadow on a wall or a reflection in a windowpane that the timeline "forgot" to scrub out when it altered the main subject. Handwritten notes on the back of the print—written in the protagonist's own handwriting years ago—still list the original names, creating a direct conflict between the ink on the paper and the image on the front. It turns the photo collection into a terrifying puzzle. Every time the protagonist opens a drawer to check an old album, they are taking a massive risk: Who will be standing there today? And who will be gone?
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Drunken rape culture campus areas are liberal College campuses in the U.S., particularly selective ones with prominent fraternity scenes, do lean strongly left/liberal in student and faculty politics, and alcohol-fueled sexual misconduct is a documented problem in that environment. That does not make “drunken rape culture” a uniquely liberal invention, but the institutions and social settings where it is most visible and debated tend to be.Campus political leanings Large-scale surveys (e.g., from the Higher Education Research Institute, FIRE, and others) consistently show that students and especially faculty at research universities and liberal arts colleges identify as liberal or left-of-center at high rates—often 2:1 or greater for students, and far higher among faculty in humanities and social sciences. Ivy League and similar schools (Cornell included) sit in deep-blue metro areas or college towns. Greek life exists across the political spectrum, but the universities that generate the most national coverage of fraternity sexual-assault cases are overwhelmingly left-leaning institutions.Alcohol, parties, and sexual assault data Campus climate surveys (AAU, NCHA, etc.) repeatedly find that a large share of sexual assaults involving college students occur in social settings with heavy drinking—fraternity houses, off-campus parties, and similar. Alcohol is the most common factor cited by both victims and perpetrators in these surveys. Fraternities have higher reported rates of sexual misconduct than the general student body in multiple studies, though causation is debated (selection effects, party environments, underreporting elsewhere, etc.). These patterns show up at schools of varying political cultures, but the highest-profile recent cases and the densest concentration of Greek-life party culture are at universities whose student bodies and administrations are liberal.Cornell as the current example The 2024 Chi Phi allegations at Cornell (Ivy League, Ithaca, NY) fit the pattern: an elite, left-leaning campus, a fraternity party environment involving alcohol and ketamine, disputed consent after heavy intoxication, a Title IX process, and subsequent protests. Cornell’s student body and faculty are not conservative. Similar dynamics appear in other well-covered cases at schools like Duke, Stanford, Vanderbilt, and various state flagships with large Greek systems—most of which have left-leaning student populations.
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...completely unscathed, their hair still perfectly styled amidst the absolute wreckage of city hall logistics and romantic destiny. As the glitter settled over Times Square, the physical fog of voter anxiety began to condense into tiny, harmless ice cubes, clinking perfectly into the boiling Hudson River to cool it down. The Statue of Liberty, sensing the climax of the crisis, swiveled her giant torch and shot a massive, triple-swirl stream of blue raspberry soft-serve directly over the crowd, instantly neutralizing the zombie insanity with pure, unadulterated sugar. Mrs. Lips looked at The Handsome Man, her magníficient pout adjusting to a flawless, triumphant smile that cast a warm, cinematic glow over the entire tri-state area. "You timed that drop perfectly," she purred, her voice now appearing as sparkling golden subtitles in the air between them. "But what about the remaining twelve percent of the data?" The Handsome Man didn't answer with words. Instead, he simply adjusted his torn cuffs, flashed a smile so radiant it automatically fixed the broken billboard down the street, and looked up at the sky. The burning poll pamphlets had stopped falling, replaced instead by a gentle, retrocausal drizzle of pristine, unwritten ledger sheets—waiting for the next shift in the timeline.
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• Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous Online/Phone Meetings Sep 14, 2026 — Purple meetings are for internet and technology addicts, newcomers, and non-addicts interested in ITAA's program of recovery from ... • Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous Free help for Internet and Technology Addiction Regardless of how large or small you feel your problem may be, we encourage you to... • Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous In-Person Meetings – Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous ITAA In-Person Meetings Overview: New attendees are encouraged to try six meetings. Active and potential locations span the US (CA... Show all Is there a growing awareness in the bay area about the problem of tech addiction? Yes, there is a profound and rapidly growing wave of awareness about tech addiction across the San Francisco Bay Area. In fact, because the region is the birthplace of the very apps and devices that dominate global attention, the Bay Area has become a primary testing ground for grassroots resistance, legal pushback, and experimental "digital wellness" solutions. The cultural shift is manifesting across several key fronts: 🏢 The 'Insider' Counter-Movement Some of the loudest warnings about digital dependency come from Silicon Valley insiders themselves—former product managers, engineers, and executives from tech giants who understand exactly how psychological hacks like infinite scroll and variable dopamine rewards were engineered. • Organizations like the Bay Area–based Center for Humane Technology (founded by former Google design ethicist Tristan Harris) have successfully reframed tech addiction from a "personal lack of discipline" to a systemic public health crisis caused by coercive design. • There is a well-documented culture among high-level tech executives who enforce strict "no-screen" rules or low-tech environments for their own children, recognizing the addictive nature of the products their companies build. 🏫 Campus and Grassroots Resistance Young adults and students in the East Bay and Silicon Valley are starting to aggressively push back against the constant pull of the screen: • At UC Berkeley, student-led initiatives have gained national attention for organizing "Digital Detox" events, where participants voluntarily trade their smartphones for analog connections. Local neuroscientists tracking these groups have found that even temporary detoxes radically reduce anxiety and restore cognitive control. • Programs like Project Reboot operate heavily in local schools, treating screen time not just as a bad habit, but as a behavior manipulation issue that requires deliberate lifestyle design to break. ⚖️ Legal and Institutional Crackdowns The awareness has moved past social commentary into massive structural and legal action within California: • Massive Legal Settlements: California recently led a massive multi-state legal push targeting social media companies for deliberately creating addictive features that harm youth mental health. Landmark lawsuits handled in Bay Area courts have forced promises of structural changes, such as mandatory daily time caps for minors and strict "School Mode" dead-zones. • Statewide School Bans: Reflecting widespread parental anxiety across California school districts, state lawmakers have continuously tightened restrictions on smartphones in public classrooms, treating devices as significant disruptions to emotional development and social skill building. 🌲 The Rise of the 'Detox Economy' Because the hyper-competitive tech environment can drive extreme digital burnout, a localized economy has sprung up around disconnecting: • Programs like Digital Detox (headquartered in Oakland) run adult summer camps and off-grid retreats where tech workers surrender their devices at the door to experience literal digital withdrawal—complete with "phantom pocket vibrations"—before finding relief in offline community building. • Specialized outpatient therapy clinics and support groups focused specifically on behavioral digital addictions are seeing a major surge in demand throughout the Silicon Valley corridor.
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NEW FICTION: In the neon-soaked labyrinth of New York City, where the Statue of Liberty had just been re-routed to operate as a giant, motorized soft-serve ice cream dispenser, the chaos reached a fever pitch. The Handsome Man stood atop a speeding taxi cab, his jawline reflecting the moonlight so sharply it accidentally sliced a nearby billboard in half. He checked his diamond-encrusted watch, realizing that the eighty-eight percent of voters terrified of imaginary numbers had now manifested as a physical, roaring fog of pure anxiety! From the sky, a literal rain of burning Fox News poll pamphlets began to fall, setting fire to the clouds and causing the Hudson River to boil with sudden political outrage. Suddenly, a giant mechanical pigeon piloted by corrupt city officials swooped down, its metal wings beating to the rhythm of skyrocketing zombie insanity. Trapped in its beak was Mrs. Lips, whose magnificent pout was emitting a high-frequency romantic distress signal that shattered every martini glass in Manhattan. "Save me, Handsome Man!" she screamed, her words in flashing neon. The Handsome Man flexed his flawless biceps, causing the fabric of reality—and his tailored suit—to tear slightly at the seams. With a heroic leap that defied all known laws of physics he launched himself off the taxi and grabbed onto the mechanical bird’s tail feathers. As they soared past the Chrysler Building, Mrs. Lips managed to throw a handful of high-interest loan documents directly into the pigeon's exhaust pipe, causing it to sputter dramatically. The giant robotic bird began to plunge, spinning toward the earth like a fallen angel of love blind economics. The Handsome Man swung himself into the cockpit, threw the corrupt pilot out into a giant pile of recycled newspapers, and took the controls. He steered the crashing contraption directly into the middle of Times Square, landing with a spectacular explosion of glitter, red tape of unrequited passion. Out of the smoke walked the two lovers, completely unharmed and looking effortlessly runway-ready. Mrs. Lips locked eyes on the Handsome Man, her lips glowing with a level of passion that instantly lowered the city's gas prices to go perfect. As the astonished crowd of New Yorkers broke into wild applause, The Handsome Man swept her into his arms, kissing her with his giant pulsing mouth.
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— Three months after Ali G, one of the buffoonish alter egos of the actor Sacha Baron Cohen, resurfaolics Anonymous Fremont at 4500 Thornton Ave serves as the immediate local baseline for physical 12-step meetings in your city. • Tri-Valley Resource Base: Moving slightly out of the Bay Area over the hills, Tri-Valley Fellowship and the Valley Service Center at 6500 Dublin Blvd in Dublin act as centralized hubs providing literaure, physical rooms, and offline network support. • South Bay Connection: Down in the Silicon Valley area, the Intergroup Central Office at 274 E Hamilton Ave in Campbell provides hybrid, online, and local in-person direction for adults seeking recovery resources. • East Bay Core: The East Bay Intergroup at 3989 Howe St in Oakland acts as the primary administrative engine coordinating offline groups across the entire East Bay landscape. It looks like you've provided a comprehensive list of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) central offices and resource hubs across the Greater Bay Area, including Fremont, the Tri-Valley, South Bay, and East Bay. These locations are vital starting points for finding local meeting schedules, recovery literature, and physical or hybrid community support. If you are looking to take the next step with these resources, let me know if you would like me to find: • Specific meeting times or formats (in-person, online, speaker, or discussion) at any of these hubs • Contact numbers or helplines for immediate support from these intergroups • Directions or transit options to one of these specific addresses How would you like to proceed? AI can make mistakes, so double-check responses What if the addiction is addiction to technology? When addressing technology addiction—often referred to as screen addiction, internet addiction, or digital dependency—traditional 12-step frameworks are adapted to focus on sustainable moderation rather than complete abstinence, since completely eliminating technology is rarely practical in modern life. Because tech addiction doesn't have the same centralized physical infrastructure as substance recovery programs, support is heavily organized through specific fellowships and specialized digital wellness strategies: Specialized 12-Step Fellowships • Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous (ITAA): This is the primary 12-step fellowship specifically modeled after AA to help people recover from compulsive internet and technology use (including smartphones, social media, gaming, and streaming). They host extensive daily online meetings and a growing number of local in-person meetings. • Computer Gaming Addicts Anonymous (CGAA): A fellowship specifically tailored for those tracking compulsive video gaming habits, offering peer support, a 12-step program, and online discussion forums. Structuring a "Digital Sobriety" Plan Unlike substance recovery, recovery from tech addiction utilizes concepts like a Top Lines / Bottom Lines framework: • Bottom Lines (Abstinence): Identifying the specific, toxic digital behaviors that trigger compulsive loops and must be avoided entirely (e.g., infinite-scroll feeds, specific video games, or late-night compulsive browsing). • Top Lines (Recovery Behaviors): Focusing on real-world, screen-free activities that restore balance, such as offline hobbies, physical exercise, or face-to-face social connections. Local & Professional Resources If you are looking for localized support in the Bay Area, individuals navigating digital dependency often utilize: • Outpatient Therapy: Many local licensed therapists specialize in behavioral addictions, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and digital detox strategies. • Smart Recovery: A secular, science-based alternative to 12-step programs that focuses on self-empowerment and behavioral modification for all forms of compulsive behavior, including behavioral addictions. If you want to look further into this, let me know if you would like me to find: • A directory of upcoming online or local ITAA or CGAA meetings • Strategies for setting up strict hardware or software boundaries to limit daily screen time • Information on how behavioral therapy frameworks tackle digital dependency How would you like to explore this topic? This is for informational purposes only. For medical advice or diagnosis, consult a professional. AI responses may include mistakes. Learn more Try without personalization Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous (ITAA): This is the primary 12-step fellowship specifically modeled after AA to help people recover from compulsive internet and technology use (including smartphones, social media, gaming, and streaming). They host extensive daily online meetings and a growing number of local in-person meetings. TELL ME WHERE TO GO! To tap into the Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous (ITAA) network, your entry points span both physical locations in the Bay Area and a continuous global online network. [Rich media excluded from paste] 📍 The Physical Meeting Location (Bay Area) ITAA has an established weekly, local in-person meeting in Northern California: • San Francisco Meeting • When: Saturdays from 1:00 PM – 2:00 PM • Where: First Unitarian Universalist Church and Center (UUSF), 1187 Franklin Street, San Francisco, CA • Note: This is an ideal place to connect directly with a small, focused group of local peers who are actively navigating digital recovery. 🌐 The 24/7 Digital Meeting Rooms Because of the nature of technology addiction, ITAA's most robust and extensive infrastructure is hosted virtually, with dozens of free, anonymous daily Zoom and phone meetings running across global time zones: 1. Accessing the Schedule: Go straight to the official ITAA Online Meetings Calendar to see a live tracker of today’s upcoming sessions. 2. Filter by Meeting Types: • Blue Meetings: Standard meetings restricted to tech addicts and individuals exploring if they have a problem. • Pink Striped Meetings: "Speaker Shares," where a long-term member shares their deep experience, strength, and path to recovery. • Purple Meetings: Open to newcomers, observers, friends, or family members looking to understand the program. 💡 What to Do at Your First Meeting • The "Six Meeting" Rule: ITAA highly encourages newcomers to try six meetings within a short timeframe before deciding if the program is the right fit for them. • Zero Pressure to Speak: If you join a virtual or physical room, you do not have to share. It is entirely acceptable to introduce yourself by your first name and simply say, "I'm just here to listen." • Non-Judgmental Space: Members share their stories uninterrupted. The program utilizes a strict "no cross-talk" rule, meaning others will listen without giving unrequested comments or advice.
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New Fiction: The global fuel market dissolved into pure absurdity when the U.S. Treasury finalized an emergency deal to import Russian diesel fuel, strictly specifying that it must be delivered by trained circus bears riding custom-built, motorized jet-skis. Deep within the Pentagon, career analysts stared at satellite trackers in absolute disbelief as thousands of unicycle-riding grizzly bears cleared harbor checkpoints, juggling barrels of heavy crude while wearing neon American flag bandanas. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth vigorously defended the transaction on Fox News, arguing that "Ursine logistics" were the only way to bypass woke maritime regulations and crash domestic gas prices before the November midterms. In Moscow, state media gleefully broadcasted the spectacle, claiming Vladimir Putin had personally taught the bears how to parallel park their jet-skis in American waters. The sudden influx of American dollars filled the Kremlin’s coffers, but due to a massive clerical error by a confused accountant, the funds were accidentally wired entirely to a dramatic community theater group in the West Bank. Word of this multi-billion-dollar windfall swept through Gaza and the West Bank, completely baffling underground factions who had been planning a serious, strategic geopolitical uprising. Instead, regional militant leaders found themselves legally obligated by the wire-transfer contract to channel their revolutionary fervor into producing an avant-garde, interpretive-dance version of The Nutcracker to fund the intifada. Meanwhile, across American university campuses, left-wing activist groups experienced a collective, hyper-fixated meltdown that defied all biological logic. For months, these student organizations had demanded aggressive climate action, but the sight of motorized, oil-toting circus bears performing synchronized stunts in the Hudson River proved to be a bizarrely powerful aphrodisiac. At Columbia University, radical environmentalists found themselves so inexplicably, sexually excited by the raw, chaotic energy of the bear-diesel pipeline that they immediately cancelled their oil boycotts to host massive, eco-erotic rave parties in the main quad. "The complete collapse of late-stage capitalist sanity is just so incredibly hot," panted Maya, a student leader, while aggressively waving a glowing recycling bin in a room thick with fog machines and romantic tension. Back in Washington, the political landscape devolved into a surreal, prime-time comedy routine. A visibly sweating Senator Thom Tillis went on television to warn the public that "woke, hyper-sexualized campus raves funded by theatrical Russian grizzly bears" were an imminent threat to the nuclear family. Simultaneously, Democrats accused the administration of running an illegal, interspecies smuggling ring designed to distract people from the agile mimes. As night fell over New York, the lead Russian grizzly bear successfully executed a triple-backflip off its jet-ski, ignited a giant decorative flare, and officially brought regular gas prices down to an unprecedented twelve cents a gallon. In the nearby university district, the eco-activists cheered hysterically, completely hypnotized by the sheer, romantic absurdity of a world run on circus animal energy. The impossible alignment of Russian bears, theatrical Middle Eastern militants, and romantically compromised student activists had created a new global reality—one where the fate of the free world hung entirely on midnight snacks and extreme body odors.
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