🛡️ At your command, noble reader. Let the myth be sung, the satire unfurl, and the aluminum scroll shine brightly in fluorescent doom. Here it is… 🏰 Orcs Without a Cause: The Two Billboards By James Spleen A parody epic of failed rebellions, bureaucratic wizardry, and American madness Prelude: In the Beginning Was the Hashtag And lo, the digital fires were lit. Across Discord servers and comment threads, a rebellion festered. Their cause? Unclear. Their ideology? Crowdsourced. Their battle cry? “Smash the system… unless the system offers healthcare.” From gated basements and reclaimed food courts, the Orcs rose—not born of Mordor, but of meme culture, burnout, and three years of grad school. They marched, they livestreamed, they got ratioed. And in their midst, the great eye blinked. Not of Sauron… but of Sarumoney™, the wizard of fiscal illusion, master of gated lobbying towers and free Wi-Fi zones. Chapter I: Sarumoney™ in the Citadel of Consultants Sarumoney once held the sacred flame of revolution (briefly, in college). Now he wore suits stitched from PAC contributions. He commanded the Uruk-Hype: PR specialists bred in the tunnels beneath CNN headquarters. They spoke only in metrics. “Engagement is up 12% but your mythos is down 34.” “Shall I schedule a tweetstorm, my lord?” But the Orcs were restless. They had expected riots to change the world. Instead, they got Google Calendar invites to webinars. Chapter IV: The Big Beautiful Bill Forged in chaos, amended in committee, laminated at a Staples in Toledo—the Big Beautiful Bill was prophecy made PowerPoint. It promised strength, cuts, defense, and a tax code written on the bones of dreams. Passed with thunderous cries and one distracted senator scrolling TikTok, the bill shone with dubious glory. The rebellion blinked. Some wept. Others tried to mount a counter-scroll made from napkins and union slogans. It was… less effective. Chapter VII: Orcs Go Feral With no cause to anchor them, the Orcs scattered: In Wisconsin, they tried forming a commune called “Reclaim the Narrative” but accidentally joined a local pickleball league. In Portland, a group summoned Sarumoney’s spirit using scented candles and tweets. In Chicago, Orcs stormed a Best Buy shouting, “This is a metaphor!” No one knew what they meant. They were rage unstitched. Fury without footnotes. Chapter XI: The Convention of Shadows Chicago. The Democratic citadel. Lights flashed. Security hummed. Harris took the stage, and from the alley behind the burrito truck, the Orcs emerged—bannered in slogans like “Down with Up!” and “This is Still Our Moment, Unless It’s Too Warm.” They threw rhetoric like molotovs. They livestreamed chants. They demanded change. And then, quietly, they were arrested. Some for trespassing. One for attempting to explain late-stage capitalism using finger puppets. Finale: James Deen and the Dodge of Destiny James Deen (no relation to myth or meat products), loner, rebel, consumer of precisely two Monster drinks per sunrise, rode his black Challenger into the depths of the bureaucratic mountain. He carried the bill. He wore jeans of prophecy. He defied narrative collapse. And he whispered: “Let the orcs wander. Let Sarumoney monetize his beard. But I will deliver this scroll… and bill the system for mileage.” 🧠Epilogue: Meaning? Perhaps none. Or perhaps, in the ruins of digital fury and tax codes, in the haze of protest gone procedural, we glimpse what rebellion always was: story, yearning, chaos—and the desperate hunger to be heard before the livestream ends.
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AntisemitismCanada In 2026, Tulsa And Panama Are Courting Canadian Jews As Antisemitism Redefines The Cost Of Staying As antisemitism reaches unprecedented levels across Canada, Jewish families and professionals are quietly reassessing their futures, and some are being actively courted elsewhere. Ron East By: Ron East December 31, 2025 SHARE A growing number of Canadian Jews are exploring relocation options A growing number of Canadian Jews are exploring relocation options as antisemitism intensifies and confidence in public protection erodes. (Image: Illustration.) TORONTO — For generations, Canada sold itself as a country where Jews could thrive without constantly looking over their shoulders. That assumption no longer holds for a growing number of Canadian Jews, particularly in the aftermath of October 7 and the months that followed. What has changed is not only the number of antisemitic incidents. It is the atmosphere. Public hostility has been normalized. Jewish schools, synagogues, and community centres operate under permanent security protocols. Anti-Jewish intimidation is increasingly framed as political expression. Enforcement is inconsistent. Accountability is rare. When Jewish life requires constant risk assessment, mobility stops being a luxury. It becomes a rational act of self-preservation. That reality helps explain why, in 2026, two very different destinations, Tulsa, Oklahoma, and Panama, are appearing with growing frequency in serious conversations among Canadian Jews who have the means and flexibility to move. This is not a panic migration. It is a strategic recalculation. Canada’s new warning lights Jewish Canadians represent a small fraction of the population, yet account for a vastly disproportionate share of reported hate crimes. This is not a perception problem. It is a documented pattern. More troubling than the statistics themselves is the message many Jews hear in response: concern, sympathy, and context, but little deterrence. Protests that spill into harassment are tolerated. Jewish institutions are targeted repeatedly. Antisemitism disguised as antizionism is parsed endlessly rather than confronted directly. The result is a slow erosion of confidence in the state’s willingness or ability to enforce equal protection. When a community moves from assuming it belongs to hoping nothing happens today, the social contract has already been fractured. It is within this context that Tulsa and Panama are not merely attracting attention but actively courting. Lech Le’Tulsa and intentional Jewish welcome Tulsa is not presenting itself as a refuge city. It is presenting itself as a place that wants Jewish life to grow. In 2026, that effort has taken concrete form through Lech Le’Tulsa, a Jewish-focused relocation initiative designed to attract Jewish families, professionals, and entrepreneurs to the Tulsa area. The program combines relocation assistance with intentional community building and access to Jewish infrastructure. The name is deliberate. Lech Lecha, the biblical call to go forth and build a future, is not branding by accident. It speaks directly to a Jewish historical instinct that understands movement not as retreat, but as agency. Lech Le’Tulsa offers what many Canadian Jews increasingly feel is missing at home: A clear signal that Jewish presence is welcomed, not merely accommodated Immediate access to synagogues, schools, and Jewish communal life A civic environment where Jewish identity is not treated as a liability The financial incentives matter, but the social architecture matters more. Tulsa is offering a landing ramp. It is saying, we are prepared for you to arrive. That clarity stands in stark contrast to the ambiguity Canadian Jews experience when their safety concerns are acknowledged but endlessly deferred. Panama and the appeal of optionality Panama represents a different but equally rational response to insecurity. For Canadian Jews with international mobility, Panama offers residency pathways tied to investment, business activity, or long-term economic contribution. It also offers something increasingly valuable: optionality. Panama has an established Jewish community, a comparatively lower cost of living, and an immigration framework that openly courts skilled and capital-carrying residents. For some, it is a permanent relocation. For others, it is a second base, a contingency plan, or a future passport pathway. What matters is not the destination itself, but the logic behind the choice. When Jews seek second options, they are not rejecting diaspora life. They are applying historical lessons. Jewish continuity has always depended on redundancy, resilience, and the ability to move before crisis becomes catastrophe. The Zionist lens Canadians prefer to ignore Zionism does not deny the legitimacy of diaspora life. It insists that Jews must never be dependent on the goodwill of others for safety or equality. That lesson was written in blood long before the modern State of Israel existed. Israel institutionalized it at a national level. Individual Jews apply it on a personal level. When Canadian Jews explore Tulsa or Panama, they are not abandoning Canada in anger. They are responding rationally to warning signs. They are building leverage. They are ensuring their children have options. This is what Zionist consciousness looks like outside Israel. It is quiet, pragmatic, and unsentimental. An indictment Canada should take seriously Tulsa and Panama are not superior societies. They are intentional ones. Tulsa is saying, we want contributors, and we are prepared to integrate them. Panama is saying, we want residents and investment, and we have clear legal pathways. Canada, too often, is saying something else entirely: we are sorry you feel unsafe, but the politics are complicated. A serious country does not treat antisemitism as a public relations challenge. It treats it as a threat to civic order. That requires enforcement, deterrence, and moral clarity, including the willingness to name antisemitism even when it hides behind fashionable political language. Until that happens, Canada should not be surprised when Jews quietly explore exit ramps. The bottom line In 2026, the fact that Tulsa and Panama can plausibly court Canadian Jews is not an oddity. It is a warning. When antisemitism reaches levels that fundamentally alter how Jews calculate their futures, movement becomes strategy. History teaches Jews to act before apologies arrive too late. Canada still has time to reverse this trajectory. But time matters. And Jews, having learned this lesson repeatedly, are no longer inclined to wait.
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