This year I will get no elite gifts and will be hawpy.

If you are in a bad situation you can either stare at the sun or flash your nipples at your enemies.

Sexy people do amazing things, in and out of bed.

Zombie Hitler to get blown up by the Israeli Military. Hold your ground.

A psychotic meets the jolly green giant, forgets who he is, and begins nibbling on his toes.

Never kiss someone who will tear your lips off.

How can the universe end if it never began.

When you marry someone you will find yourself involved with another person: bubble baths, chains, ropes and colorful underwear.

New Fiction: The global fuel market dissolved into pure absurdity when the U.S. Treasury finalized an emergency deal to import Russian diesel fuel, strictly specifying that it must be delivered by trained circus bears riding custom-built, motorized jet-skis. Deep within the Pentagon, career analysts stared at satellite trackers in absolute disbelief as thousands of unicycle-riding grizzly bears cleared harbor checkpoints, juggling barrels of heavy crude while wearing neon American flag bandanas. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth vigorously defended the transaction on Fox News, arguing that "Ursine logistics" were the only way to bypass woke maritime regulations and crash domestic gas prices before the November midterms. In Moscow, state media gleefully broadcasted the spectacle, claiming Vladimir Putin had personally taught the bears how to parallel park their jet-skis in American waters. The sudden influx of American dollars filled the Kremlin’s coffers, but due to a massive clerical error by a confused accountant, the funds were accidentally wired entirely to a dramatic community theater group in the West Bank. Word of this multi-billion-dollar windfall swept through Gaza and the West Bank, completely baffling underground factions who had been planning a serious, strategic geopolitical uprising. Instead, regional militant leaders found themselves legally obligated by the wire-transfer contract to channel their revolutionary fervor into producing an avant-garde, interpretive-dance version of The Nutcracker to fund the intifada. Meanwhile, across American university campuses, left-wing activist groups experienced a collective, hyper-fixated meltdown that defied all biological logic. For months, these student organizations had demanded aggressive climate action, but the sight of motorized, oil-toting circus bears performing synchronized stunts in the Hudson River proved to be a bizarrely powerful aphrodisiac. At Columbia University, radical environmentalists found themselves so inexplicably, sexually excited by the raw, chaotic energy of the bear-diesel pipeline that they immediately cancelled their oil boycotts to host massive, eco-erotic rave parties in the main quad. "The complete collapse of late-stage capitalist sanity is just so incredibly hot," panted Maya, a student leader, while aggressively waving a glowing recycling bin in a room thick with fog machines and romantic tension. Back in Washington, the political landscape devolved into a surreal, prime-time comedy routine. A visibly sweating Senator Thom Tillis went on television to warn the public that "woke, hyper-sexualized campus raves funded by theatrical Russian grizzly bears" were an imminent threat to the nuclear family. Simultaneously, Democrats accused the administration of running an illegal, interspecies smuggling ring designed to distract the electorate from the $40 trillion national debt. As night fell over New York, the lead Russian grizzly bear successfully executed a triple-backflip off its jet-ski, ignited a giant decorative flare, and officially brought regular gas prices down to an unprecedented twelve cents a gallon. In the nearby university district, the eco-activists cheered hysterically, completely hypnotized by the sheer, romantic absurdity of a world run on circus animal energy. The impossible alignment of Russian bears, theatrical Middle Eastern militants, and romantically compromised student activists had created a new global reality—one where the fate of the free world hung entirely on a choreography schedule.